how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize