So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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