Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
