FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize