I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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