Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
