If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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