I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I think your dad took our porno
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
