The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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