I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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