apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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