You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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