Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
