he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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