I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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