god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
