i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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