just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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