I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
