I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
