I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
