i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
