3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
