Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
look no pants
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Floor bacon is actually really good
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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