You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
