Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
