Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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