Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
