I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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