I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
