My boss' voice literally gives me gas
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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