I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
