Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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