someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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