matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
