Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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