WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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