dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
