I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
