nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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