Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You are the jesus of drinking
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
