Got a toothbrush?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
