OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
