this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He did a backflip because drugs
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