12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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