I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
