I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
