Hey man sorry I got all grabby
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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