her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
