I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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