my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
