I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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