hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
