Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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