In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
