...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
