my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
