You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
You can't special order awesome
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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