I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I fill condoms, not promises.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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