It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
