I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
